Retirement Jokes

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Marjorie notices something peculiar about Mabel’s ear and says: “Mabel, why on earth do you have a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel, surprised, replies, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulls it out and stares at it for a moment. Blushing, she replies, “Marj, sweetheart, thanks for letting me know. Now I think I know where to find my missing hearing aid.”

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.” She raps the table.

With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?

“Chuck replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I’m done, POOF! the light goes off. “WOW, That’s incredible” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck’s wife. “Ethel,” he says, “Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done POOF! the light goes off?

“Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims. “he’s peeing in the refrigerator again!