Retirement Jokes

Two old guys were sitting on a park bench enjoying a warm summer day. One says, “You know, I’m 85 years old and my body is wearing out. I have so many aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”

The other guy says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really,” the first guy says.

“Yep,” says the second one. “I mean look at me I have no teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.”

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop – Acts 2:38!” (..turn from your sin..)

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an AXE and two 38′s.”

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Picking up, he heard his wife, her voice high with anxiety, warn him,

“Henry, I just saw on the news that there’s a car driving the wrong way on Highway 880. Please be careful!”

“One?” replied Henry, “You’ve got to be kidding me. I see at least a hundred!”

An elderly couple was attending a church service, about halfway through she leans over and says: “I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”

He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”