The Dr. warned his patient…by drinking and smoking as much as you do you are slowly killing yourself.

The patient just nodded and said: That’s OK I’m not in any hurry.

Wanting to prove that he can still handle it he goes into a trendy modern night club and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman nearly half his age, at best.

Trying to recall his best pick-up line, he says: “So tell me, do I come here often?”

“Uh, I mean can you buy me a drink?”

“Darn, which way is it to the bathroom?”

She was in awe of the building and the beautiful music, but found the sermon a bit boring.

Looking around, she noticed several parishioners nodding off.

When the reverend finished, he encouraged the congregation members to greet one another.

Gladys turned to a man on her right that was yawning and smiling.

“I’m Gladys Dunn,” she said, offering her hand.

“You and me both,” the man replied.

She met with her priest and told him that she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over the shopping mall.

“The Shopping Mall!” the priest exclaimed. “Why the mall?”

“Then, I know my daughters will visit me at least once a week.”

The other guy says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really,” the first guy says.

“Yep,” says the second one. “I mean look at me I have no teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.”

One day, she asked him why.

“Well honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.

“I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.

[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a glass of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”

[Five minutes later]
“Mommm…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?”

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”

The child thought about this for a moment, then said “So why is the groom wearing black?”

“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”